Ch.7: "Hot Fuzz" / Hesperides

[Legendary Sidekick]

It seems that Captain Windu is ready to retire, but Squire Aegon "Egg" McMoughin would gladly train with whoever Kell has in mind, should they ever cross paths. ((I'll assume Kell mentioned Buck L'Orange by name, unless she felt there was a reason not to.))

Within the hour, the knights escort you safely to your destination—or maybe it's more like you escorted them?—but they don't follow you into town.

As for that sun you've heard so much about, it peeks up over the hill, slowly at first, as a red dome turning gold…

…but after a couple minutes, it jumps up quite suddenly, and pauses with a bounce. You could swear the sun winked and smiled at you! Butterflies and bunnies all flutter and hop into view!

But after you blink, the sun is simply a white hot ball of fire. It's rather painful to look at it. You should stop.

Maybe you imagined the sun's winking face—it was only there for a tenth of a second if that. But the bunnies and butterflies are real. They are men and women. Specifically, the bunnies are men and the butterflies are women.

The man-bunnies are dressed as samurai, with little samurai swords and samurai pants. They seem to be on guard duty. The women are butterfly-winged fairies dressed in multi-colored outfits made of various flower petals. All seem quite friendly, but also curious, and maybe a little timid. Especially when they look at Sigrlinn, whose clothing is muddy with an obvious hint of blood-stain.

 

[Ireth]

Sigrlinn sighs in relief as the sun comes up, only to blink in astonishment as it smiles and winks at her and Kell. Was she imagining that?

She's definitely not imagining the fairies or rabbits in clothes, though. She smiles and waves to those who greet her, and notes their timid glances at her bloody, muddy clothing. It might be wisest not to call attention to the fact that she's a Huntress -- as if it's not already obvious.

"Hallo," she says to one of the man-bunnies, a little nervous herself. "I'm Sigrlinn, and this is Kell; we're here to speak with Hera. Can you please let her known we're here?"

 

[tbgg]

Kell decides not to think too hard about the sun. But she greets the bunnies and butterflies with a smile, saying, "Greetings, good residents of Hesperides. I don't think Hera is aware we're coming. Can you tell us if there is a prescribed method to get an audience with her?"


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[Legendary Sidekick]

The man-bunnies look at each other. These guys could see eye-to-eye with Knee-High Nissa, yet when one speaks, his voice is a deep baritone.

"If you are not on Hera's schedule, a meeting with her would be quite out of the ordinary. You are welcome to stay in town, for a price, and perhaps we can find a spot on the mayor's calendar. That you both pass for human might draw enough attention that he would see you, and from there, a meeting with Hera might be in the realm of possibility. That is above my pay grade."

It is not apparent that his words are only meant for Kell until he turns to Sigrlinn.

"I am afraid we cannot admit you into town appearing as you do. Hera likes everything to be orderly, and order includes cleanliness."

A butterfly fairy says, "Especially cleanliness!"

"It's next to godliness," says another.

"Unclean," says a third sporting a bowl haircut. She wags her finger while her curly-haired counterparts hover with hands on hips. "You must not be a goddess then," she adds.

The three fairies flutter around Sigrlinn. All ask in unison, "Are you hurt?"

 

[tbgg]

Kell tells the man-bunnies, "We have urgent news pertaining to her husband that I am sure she will want to hear, and a matter needing the attention of her office as well."

"We're our positions reversed, I would *kill* anyone withholding the news we carry from me," she says meaningfully. "The Mayor needs to be told our need to see both him and Hera is URGENT."


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[Ireth]

Sigrlinn looks down at her clothing again as the man-bunnies and fairies point out how dirty she is. At the third fairy's reprimand she says, "No, I'm only a human. And Kell is a nymph."

She nods at their question. "Yes, actually. We just got out of a fight with some mud monsters -- bark-bites, I think they're called -- not long before getting here. I'd appreciate the chance to get cleaned up and patched up. Whenever it's convenient. If it's possible to speak with Hera first, I think we should do that."

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

All three zip back, eyes widened with urgency!

The fairy with the blue bowl hair says, "Call the doctors!"

The fairy with spring green curls says, "Hey! Doctors!"

The fairy with wine-colored curls says, "Let's GET 'EM!"

All three fly away shouting, "Dr. Howard! Dr. Fine! Dr. Howard! Calling Dr. Howard! Dr. Fine and Dr. Howard!"

They fly off in the distance. The man-bunnies watch. One face-palms. The same three fairies come back, but now they're dressed in white dresses and hats with red plus signs and are all riding a tiny tandem bicycle. There are only two seats, so the wine-haired fairy is on the handle bars with her butt in the bike's basket. They ride through the air, shouting—

"OOOO - WEEEE - OOOO - WEEEE - OOOO - WEEEE - OOOO - WEEEE…!"

—then they dismount. The bike crashes to the ground. Its wheels fall off. One rolls into a sewer grating.

The fairies ignore their broken bike and wave to Sigrlinn. Blue-Bowl sings, "Helloooooooooo………………"

Spring-Curls sings a higher note, "Helloooooooooo………………"

Wine-curls sings the highest note, "Hellooooooooo………………"

All three wave and say, "Hello!"

Blue-Bowl introduces herself, "I'm Doctor Moana Howard. This is my BFF—" She gestures to the spring-green-haired fairy. "—Laverne Fine, and my baby sister—"

"You mean baby-sitter," says Laverne.

"Shaddap!" says Moana. Then she goes on as if the interruption never happened. "—Shirley Howard."

Laverne produces an accordion. Shirley whips out a pair of tiny spoons. Moana flies beside and somewhat behind them, making rhythm by clapping her hands and lightly slapping the other fairies' thighs and bottoms.

Spoiler: the fairies' song

As they sing and play, dust sprinkles from their little bodies. Sigrlinn's hair glitters, there's so much fairy dust.

((Sigrlinn's health is now full. But she's still filthy. And gross. And she stinks.))

Moana says to Sigrlinn, "I can give you a clean bill o' health, but my bill o' health's the only thing about you that's clean."

"You're still filthy," says Laverne.

"And gross," says Moana.

"And you stink," says Shirley.

"What's a matter with you?" Mo asks Shirley. "Ain't you got no bedside manners?"

Shilrey points at Sigrlinn. "She ain't sleeping!"

Laverne says, "We can take care of that, right Mo?"

"Right," says Mo.

"Right!" exclaims Shirley.

"Anesthetic!" says Laverne.

Shirley hits Sigrlinn over the head with a tiny wooden mallet. The mallet breaks over the Huntress' head. It has no effect on her, but all the bloody mud shatters like glass and crumbles off of her.

((Sigrlinn is now next-to-godly clean!))

 

[tbgg]

Kell blinks as Sigrlinn is healed and cleaned up so rapidly. She tells the fairies, "I have dirty feet. I made some mud to deal with the bark-bites. I don't suppose you could clean them up, could you? We need to make a good impression on Hera."

She gives Shirley a hopeful gaze, asking, "Oh, did Hephaestus make that mallet?"


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[Legendary Sidekick]

"Not very well," says Shirley as she flings the broken mallet behind her.

You hear a crash of breaking glass once the pieces of mallet fall from your sight, but nothing in your immediate surroundings is made of glass, and you're pretty sure the fairies haven't broken anything else.

Yet.

The fairies all yell "Super Service!" and use washcloths to scrub Kell's feet. You're not sure where they got the washcloths, or what happened to the accordion and spoons for that matter.

When the fairies finish, Mo says, "Now you both sparkle like vampires!"

"Clean as a whistle!" Laverne agrees.

Shirley whistles a cat-call. "FWEE-FWOO!"

"Meow?" says a cat-girl.

"Scram," says Laverne.

The cat-girl walks away.

 

[tbgg]

Kell raises an eyebrow at Mo. "I've never known a sparkly vampire before, and am not all that sure I want to look like one, but I won't worry about that for now unless people start screaming in fear and running away from me."

She tells Laverne and Shirley, "Thank you both for the super service, but why did you send the cat-girl away? Would she have harmed anything?"


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[Ireth]

Sigrlinn watches and listens in a mix of amusement and confusion as the fairies leave, then return, then sing to heal her wounds. She eyes the little mallet with a raised eyebrow, wondering whether it's like the one Heph used on her and Kell.

She can't help but grin as every last speck of dirt and blood falls off her. This is definitely the cleanest she's ever been, and probably the cleanest she'll ever be again. "Thank you very much!"

Then she tilts her head. "...What's a vampire, and why would it sparkle?"

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

The lead man-bunny tells Sigrlinn, "If you do not mind, I would prefer we do not discuss sparkling vampires in the presence of my men."

"I can handle this topic, Master Kikuchiyo. I am samurai."

Master Kikuchiyo replies, "Even if you can, it is futile. The fairy doctors will change the subject on a whim."

Mo says, "Neko's harmless."

"A peddler," Shirley says. "She sells candy!"

"Chocolate!" says Mo.

"Faerie Walnuts!" says Shirley.

"Her wares are delectable!"

"Which is why I cat-called her!"

"But her prices are outrageous," says Laverne. "So I'm outraged by her."

"Enraged cat-girls can be ornery," says Shirley. Then the fairies stop talking, having somehow managed to confuse each other.

Master Kikuchiyo says, "You may enter. If you need help finding your way around town..."

The three fairies raise their hands and jump up and down (while maintaining an altitude of four to six feet), all saying, "Pick me! Pick me!"

 

[Ireth]

Sigrlinn nods to Master Kikuchiyo, and smiles as the three fairies all clamor to be chosen. "Why don't all three of you be our guides? That way none of you is left out."

 

[tbgg]

Kell nods. "Works for me."

"Let's go, then, ladies."


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[Legendary Sidekick]

"Yay!" they all say. Mo shouts, "To the Guide Mobile!"

The fairies zip to the bike lying broken on the ground.

Shirley looks around. "But I can't find the wheel!"

"Nuts!" says Laverne.

The cat-girl returns. She says, "I got a good deal! Faerie Nuts are on sale."

"That's because they went stale."

"Epic fail," says the cat, and she hangs her head down.

Laverne tells her to "Scat!"

Shirley points toward town.

Mo says, "C'mon, girls, lemme show you around!"

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

As you enter Hesperides, you learn of the districts:

	Uptown
West Side, a.k.a. "The Village"	Industrial Area, a.k.a. "The Mine"	Bay Area
	Downtown, a.k.a. "The Slums"

You are now at the West Side. The Village. The first thing you notice is that there is a police station, with several man-bunnies in blue samurai outfits, a hospital--with an extremely large door despite its only doctors being healer fairies!--and a fire station. A bespectacled elephant man waves to you and the fairies.

"Welcome to Hesperides," he says, tipping his bright red fire-resistant helmet. "I'm Gerald."

 

[tbgg]

Kell smiles at Gerald. "Nice to meet you, Gerald. I'm Kell, my companion is Sigrlinn, and we have urgent business with Hera, although we are told we need to speak with the mayor first. What part of town can we find him in?"


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[Legendary Sidekick]

Gerald, who must be ten feet tall and weigh a ton or two, has a very gentle tone and manner.

"Oh, mayor Mink Haggar has an office Uptown. But you might want to blend in a bit before heading there."

He seems at a loss as to how until the fairies speak up.

"She's a nymph!" says Mo.

"A magical girl!" says Laverne.

"She made mud pies!" says Shirley.

"Magically!" says Laverne.

"Oh?" says Gerald. "You should see my wife, then. She's doing her morning laps at the public swimming hole. Her name's Piggie. Well... Margaret, but I call her Piggie. That should make her easy to spot in a crowd."

 

[tbgg]

Kell tilts her head, curious. "Why do we need to blend in? Are only people who are half-animal welcome here or something?"


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[Legendary Sidekick]

"You are quite welcome," Gerald says. "Quite welcome indeed! It's just that..."

He gestures toward a crowd of people--all partially animal in some way. Most are staring at you, and some appear to have stopped whatever they were doing.

"...you ladies draw a lot of attention. If you decide you'd rather not, my wife can help. I think she can, at least. You're a magic user, she's a magic user. Me? I just spit water from a large bucket. Only my wife can extinguish fire magically."