What Ticks You Off?

[Devouring Wolf]

I hate really long post coitus scenes where the characters just kind of stare lovingly into each others eyes and inner monologue about how great it was. I'm not a huge fan of sex scenes in general because I don't read that kind of fantasy, but if it was so great that you had to spend two whole pages reminiscing, I would rather read about them actually having sex. At least then something is happening.

It also really annoys me when I'm reading a book and somewhere towards the middle or the end, I'm given new information about the character's physical appearance. I don't mind if characters are only vaguely described, but if you're planning to tell me a character's blond and has a mustache please do so before I've got a solid mental picture formed in my head otherwise it can get confusing.

 

[SaltyDog]

I *am* kinda struggling with how to write a character of mine who is a complete potty mouth without swearing too much...

He's a narrator, too.

Well... have you tried creating your own curse words up that imply the same message? I use scum of the sea, which really works. For sea goers at least. Pickled lambs tongue, blood and ashes work as well. I don't use blood and ashes though, sounds too much like Wheel of Time.

I don't know, I just use the old fashioned ones really. A story I'm reading now curses about every other sentence, wasn't expecting that when I first started reading it! Lol

 

[Guy]

It also really annoys me when I'm reading a book and somewhere towards the middle or the end, I'm given new information about the character's physical appearance. I don't mind if characters are only vaguely described, but if you're planning to tell me a character's blond and has a mustache please do so before I've got a solid mental picture formed in my head otherwise it can get confusing.

Oh, that's a big one for me, too.

Probably my biggest pet peeve in the fantasy genre is names that do not conform to any known rules of phonetics, so I have no clue how to pronounce them. A subset of that is when the author names a character something like Tutschmucketellieson, then follows it with, "But everyone calls me Tut." Why not just name him Tut in the first place? Another subset is apostrophes in the middle of a name. That just bugs me for some reason.

Writers who feel like the only way they can show their badass character is a badass is to have them use some god-awful complicated martial arts. The really good fighters don't screw around with flashy moves and complicated techniques. They do what works, and simpler is usually better. Performing an Olympic gymnastics routine in the middle of a fight while using double flails that are on fire might look cool, but it's going to get you clobbered. A subset of this is authors who cling to the notion that swords weighed twenty pounds, armor was so heavy you couldn't get up if you fell over, and all those stubborn misconceptions.

What ticks me off? Man, I could write a book...

 

[TheKillerBs]

Another subset is apostrophes in the middle of a name. That just bugs me for some reason.

I just assume those are glottal stops

 

[Peat]

Probably my biggest pet peeve in the fantasy genre is names that do not conform to any known rules of phonetics, so I have no clue how to pronounce them. A subset of that is when the author names a character something like Tutschmucketellieson, then follows it with, "But everyone calls me Tut." Why not just name him Tut in the first place? Another subset is apostrophes in the middle of a name. That just bugs me for some reason.

See, I actually like it when authors give characters a given name and a nickname. That's realistic to me, its fun.


edit: Having examined the last page I must add that, while I rarely use it myself, I love swearing. Love it. One of these days I'll let myself go and be as sweary as I want. Plus, it adds a lovely range of possible granularity. If one character tells someone to eff off, another tells someone to **** off, and the third says **** the **** off, you start seeing differences between the characters. Are there other ways of doing it? Sure. But its a good way.

 

[Guy]

I just assume those are glottal stops

I know. There's just something about it that annoys me. I've no idea why. It just does.

 

[glutton]

A subset of this is authors who cling to the notion that swords weighed twenty pounds

Real life swords didn't weigh twenty pounds, but the ones of superhuman epic heroes who chop up kaiju sized monsters without using magic might... XD

 

[SaltyDog]

See, I actually like it when authors give characters a given name and a nickname. That's realistic to me, its fun.


edit: Having examined the last page I must add that, while I rarely use it myself, I love swearing. Love it. One of these days I'll let myself go and be as sweary as I want. Plus, it adds a lovely range of possible granularity. If one character tells someone to eff off, another tells someone to **** off, and the third says **** the **** off, you start seeing differences between the characters. Are there other ways of doing it? Sure. But its a good way.

I need to try that, just let go lol.

 

[valiant12]

Well... have you tried creating your own curse words up that imply the same message? I use scum of the sea, which really works. For sea goers at least. Pickled lambs tongue, blood and ashes work as well. I don't use blood and ashes though, sounds too much like Wheel of Time.

Made up swear words are annoying. It only works if the character is alien\non-human , who speak english\common , but swear in his native tongue.

 

[psychotick]

Hi Guy,

Just as a sort of follow up to one of your posts. In my latest I have a character by the name of Doctor Carmichael Simons. His ship calls him Carmichael every time. The Police Detective chasing his case down refers to him as Doctor Simons for most of the book. And yet to him in all his inner monologue etc he thinks of himself as Carm. My thought is that this emulates real life. I don't use my titles in day to day life, and I expect my family and friends to call me Greg, not Gregory. But if I was in court say I would be appalled if the various lawyers etc called me Greg.

Cheers, Greg.

 

[Guy]

Hi Guy,

Just as a sort of follow up to one of your posts. In my latest I have a character by the name of Doctor Carmichael Simons. His ship calls him Carmichael every time. The Police Detective chasing his case down refers to him as Doctor Simons for most of the book. And yet to him in all his inner monologue etc he thinks of himself as Carm. My thought is that this emulates real life. I don't use my titles in day to day life, and I expect my family and friends to call me Greg, not Gregory. But if I was in court say I would be appalled if the various lawyers etc called me Greg.

Cheers, Greg.

The only time the shortened name bugs me is when it's used because the character's real name is so long and difficult. The author comes up with such a polysyllabic monstrosity of a name even he doesn't want to keep typing the whole thing out and goes with a nickname. To me it makes more sense to just make the nickname the real name from the get-go. The one time it didn't bother me was when it was a plot device - the villain had to say the protagonist's name three times to cast a spell on her, but because her name was so long and difficult, said villain was unable to finish saying it before the protagonist got close enough to kill him. I got a chuckle out of that. Rumplestilskin would be another example.

 

[Guy]

Real life swords didn't weigh twenty pounds, but the ones of superhuman epic heroes who chop up kaiju sized monsters without using magic might... XD

Exceptions to every rule, of course. In the tales I've read, Thor's hammer was so heavy even he needed special equipment to use it. Another would be when a person of slight build picks up a long sword for the first time. To them, it might very well seem heavy.

 

[Ireth]

Thought of another thing that ticks me off. When people use "fire" as a verb for shooting a bow or crossbow (and not flaming arrows/bolts, either). That term was invented for firearms. "Loose" or "release" is much better, IMO. It's especially jarring in universes where there ARE no guns/cannons/etc.

 

[Guy]

Thought of another thing that ticks me off. When people use "fire" as a verb for shooting a bow or crossbow (and not flaming arrows/bolts, either). That term was invented for firearms. "Loose" or "release" is much better, IMO. It's especially jarring in universes where there ARE no guns/cannons/etc.

That's one of mine, too.

 

[Demesnedenoir]

While I agree with "Fire!" for arrows being off, it's a strange and slippery slope that language provides in fantasy settings. "okay" is bad because it's a new word, but earth is also bad because it's an old word that new usage of denotes the planet, rather the original meaning of soil... And if you consider your book to be a translation of a fantasy language... oh higgly piggly, I see a white rabbit.

 

[FifthView]

And if you consider your book to be a translation of a fantasy language... oh higgly piggly, I see a white rabbit.

I'm not a fan of using the "translation defense."

But on the other hand, I don't speak any fantasy languages.

 

[Demesnedenoir]

Won't see too many written in Old English these days either, sure I read Chaucer in its original, but how sticky do folks want to get?
I prefer not see these words myself, but I'm not sure the logic is all that great, if one were to take things in these directions with less obvious words, LOL.

I'm not a fan of using the "translation defense."

But on the other hand, I don't speak any fantasy languages.

 

[Malik]

Well, as the resident realism nazi, you can imagine my deal-breakers:

- Crossworlds/portal fantasies with no language barrier. This makes me seriously ****in' crazy.

- Handwaves of serious medical issues where the author has taken no time to even do a modicum of research.

I just read the first few pages of a spy thriller where the MC wakes up, hanging upside down, staring at a dried pool of his own blood on the floor (okay, first off, you're not looking over your head when you're hanging upside down -- you have to crane your neck -- but let's let that slide) and then gets turned right-side-up and let down. Then, after being unconscious for two days, he stands up and has a normal conversation with his captors in another language, sticking to his cover story, before unleashing freedom all over the room and escaping. Which is a shame, because I like the author personally, but holy shitballs, he needs to spend a few days in a medically-induced coma and then spaz around the room drooling for a couple of weeks trying to remember how the **** his feet work.

- Swords as lightsabers.

- Bad swordsmanship. See previous entry.

- Magic with no repercussions.

- Maps that don't tell us anything other than in what direction the countries lie.

- Lost princes. Someone find the goddamned prince, already.

- "Heroes" who rack up body counts that would land them at the Hague. Bonus points if it's okay because the deceased were "just soldiers" or "only orcs." Elitist, racist crap.

 

[Lunaairis]

I don't really hate anything, and there are always exceptions but I'll add to this.

- characters with a tragic past that don't learn from or use the powers they gained from their past.
The biggest example I can think of at the moment is Jack from Mass Effect 2 who was abducted by a certain medical company who did what all medical company's do experiment on children and turned her into the worlds most powerful/ most dangerous magic user ever seen. After escaping and killing many people with her powers, she became a space bandit/mercenary and traveled the stars. Apparently her 'super amazing magical abilities' weren't strong enough though, cause she was eventually captured and imprisoned. Only to have her guards (GASP) rape her, before sealing her in cryostasis.

You have amazing magical abilities. How the heck can't you deal with a group of puny human guards? I think a better story would have had you track down her raider gang and try to convince her that there is good money in saving the universe. Rather then this stupid revenge quest, they ended up giving us.

- "Medieval" epic fantasy.
I like to see worlds where you don't actually follow any of those big things like Kings,Queens, adventurers that used to be farmers and instead follow... I don't know Thranduil's tailor who's trying to pay their rent in Northern Mirkwood. But some ass adventurers are killing all the silk weaving spiders. So now they gotta convince some of his elf buds to go into business together and start up a Middle-Earth equivalent of old navy or something. You think I'm joking, But really there is so many everyday stories that can be told on a fantasy backdrop that would be amazing. Not to mention characters! Like what about a magic carpet taxi driver, a hydrokinetic plumber, a courier who has to deal with dragons burning down all the towns he has mail to deliver to. So many possibilities guys!

I have one more, and I know there was a thread up previously about it. But I didn't get a chance to put any input into it, so here.

- Fantasy worlds in which there are no mentions of religion or any sort of belief system.
Your people don't need to have some big organized church, or even worship any sorts of gods. They only need to believe that something is true to the state of existence. If in a fantasy world where there aren't many telescopes and people don't travel much. There is no reason for them to think the planet revolves around the sun. They are totally justified in believing that the planet below their feet is the center of the universe. That the sun(s) and moon(s) are born every morning and die in a perceived under-earthly-fire every evening. That the stars are their ancestors. That they themselves are gods living in an existence they created, and when they sleep they dream up a new existence. So that once they take the big sleep they will live in their next existence.
Regardless if any of these things are actually true. Its a major part of the human experience to seek answers, tell stories, and create signs that show you are part of the same "family". Not every belief will use all three options but people will do these things. Even the humble high-five can be considered a religious sign of acceptance in the modern era.

You can have characters that believe all these things to be hogwash. But the people around them should still have festivals, and celebrations supporting their beliefs. Some of these festivals can even be left overs from older religious beliefs with a touch of the newer beliefs/practices, like halloween is. If your MC is atheist that's no reason to not at least mention that, " That the monk's were at prayer during this time of day, leaving the courtyard empty."
I am just always surprised that a lot of fantasy doesn't even do that.

 

[Malik]

- Armies that meet in massive organized battles but never drill.

- Plots and subplots with no thought to the follow-on effects (either from the characters in their ideas, or from the author)

- Any race as comic relief at their own expense a la Gimli in the LOTR movies (I know this is about books, but a lot of new authors draw their inspiration from movies). The Kender in Dragonlance were a fantastic example of how to do racial comic relief right.

- Authors who draw their inspiration from movies.

- "For all intensive purposes." I just saw this again, today.

- Anything written with no subtext. If I want concrete writing with no imagery, I'll listen to popular country music.

- Horses as motorcycles.

- Evil characters who are evil because they're evil. Bonus points if they wear black.

- "Gray morality" in grimdark settings where everybody is a shitbag in some circumstance. You are not GRRM; he's been doing it for 25 years and he knows what he's doing and it's still getting old. Write something else. (That said, Bronn is the greatest gray character in modern fantasy. It may never be done better.) Find another philosophical angle and go nuts.

- ****in' vampires.