The worst reason to start a war?

[The Unseemly]

I have noticed that, the more I delve into history, the more stupid the causes of wars are. And, I just wonder... what can people show me/come up with for the most magnificently stupid reason to start a war? Which is relatively simple (say, could be explained in a few sentences?)

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Oh, that one is easy. "My god is real, and yours is not, therefore my god says you're going to hell and I should send you there." My favorite is when both religions share the same origins, making both gods the same god!

Oh, and another good one, and this one can be traced right to the beginning of civilization - "You have more stuff than me. Gimme."

 

[tlbodine]

I think in many cases, the cause of war gets oversimplified in hindsight. Like, it's really easy to point at a single particular event and say "THAT DID IT!" when in reality, the case was much more complex. On the whole, I think most wars boil down to issues of economics, even the ones that claim to be about other things. (For example: The Crusades, while ostensibly about religion, also happened to conveniently secure silk and spice trade routes).

 

[Sparkie]

The war-triggering agenda in Gulliver's Travels is still my favorite.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

The war-triggering agenda in Gulliver's Travels is still my favorite.

Oooh, been a loooong time for me on that one. What was it, again?

 

[adampjr]

I think in many cases, the cause of war gets oversimplified in hindsight. Like, it's really easy to point at a single particular event and say "THAT DID IT!" when in reality, the case was much more complex. On the whole, I think most wars boil down to issues of economics, even the ones that claim to be about other things. (For example: The Crusades, while ostensibly about religion, also happened to conveniently secure silk and spice trade routes).

^this.

Does anyone who understand the first thing about causality really think the death of some duke threw all of Europe into war?

 

[Sparkie]

Oooh, been a loooong time for me on that one. What was it, again?

Which end of the egg to crack.

 

[Rob P]

Over a woman, ie Helen of Troy but that could be dissected down to reveal lack of respect, theft, saving face and other delightful egocentric failings.

Actually, the stupidest is saving face. When going to war to preserve one's status in the eyes of your people is far more important than their lives.

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

More recently we've had some absolutely awful reasons to go to war. To bring democracy to the people springs to mind. Yeah the people really loved that one and welcomed us with open arms! Or how about a benighted country with bugger all technology to speak of is getting ready to nuke us with their super cannon, and that after the UN inspectors had gone through and found nothing. I wonder what Hans Blix is doing this day - laughing maybe!

On another continent entirely we've got the control of precious resources as our motives, diamonds, oil and drugs. Also tribalism and ancestral feuds between them.

There are no shortage of stupid reasons to go to war. The question is, are there any sensible ones?

Cheers, Greg.

 

[Steerpike]

Don't let this branch off into contemporary politics, please. One of the few topics that is verboten on the forums

 

[Devor]

Which end of the egg to crack.

Do you eat toast butter side up or down?

 

[Feo Takahari]

My "favorite", so to speak, is when a cold conflict turns hot by a complete accident.

 

[Guru Coyote]

Ok, it seems obvious that there is no shortage of stupid reasons for war - in history and elsewhere.

Maybe the better question (for a fantasy forum) could be:
Who can think of any really original stupid reasons for starting a war?
I thought Douglas Adams had a nice one in regards to the Babelfish... but that's not Fantasy.

One idea I'm mulling over right now is the inversion of the "Our god is real, your's not" argument. How about a religion finding out that their god is fake, and another country is the target of actual miracles by a deity? "We can't have this!" combined with the afore mentioned "saving face" idea...

Or... how about a people going to war because they have been spurred by their deity, who chose another peoeple in their stead? "We are the true children of XY, and we will prove it by killing all of his/her chosen deciples..."

Hmm... actually I'm not so sure those are original. I'd hope they are, but then... nothing is weirder than reality.

 

[Alexandra]

I think the reasons for going to war are the same as the reasons for committing murder, but on a larger scale. Greed and love drive the actions of many of my characters much as they've motivated people throughout history.

War plays a large role in The Songs.... The Western Isles has mineral and timber resources and lots of high quality arable land, the Easterlies has lots of people, lots and lots of people, so the High King of the Easterlies invades the Isles in order to "better provide for his people", at least that's the overt reason. There is an underlying reason—love; he wishes to conquer the Isles in order to make his lover Queen of the Isles, thereby making her happy (very happy) and raising her status in the eyes of his people, who think she's a manipulating strumpet and little more than a whore (she's much more than that). The King feels the people of the Isles will welcome his coming but...well...they don't. Let the fighting begin.

 

[Sheilawisz]

My first Fantasy novel opens with a description of the Candles War, a terrible and devastating conflict between two cities of Mages that, by the time when the story starts, had already been raging for over three hundred years and cost the lives of over a million Mages of both cities.

The Candles War started because of this:

These particular Mages were very fond of creating magical candles to illuminate their cities with, and everything was fine... but one day, a crazy Mage decided to create a storm of plum juice (that's right, a storm of plum juice!) that caused a magical disturbance in the candles of both cities.

The candles exploded causing a supernatural darkness that was very difficult to dissipate, and then the Mages decided to invent a new style of magical candles that would be immune to accidents like that. The problem came when two "perfect" designs of candles were created in the two cities, and the Mages could not agree over which style was the best.

War broke out.

That is a really bad reason to start a war, but it's necessary because the plot focuses on the main characters' efforts to finally stop the disaster =)

 

[wordwalker]

The candles exploded causing a supernatural darkness that was very difficult to dissipate, and then the Mages decided to invent a new style of magical candles that would be immune to accidents like that. The problem came when two "perfect" designs of candles were created in the two cities, and the Mages could not agree over which style was the best.

War broke out.

It would have been better to light one... well, you know.

 

[The Unseemly]

Holy cow, the amount of publicity this thread's gotten...

I like Guru Coyote's point. Indeed, what are some very original ways that people can think of about starting a war... which is, of course, completely ridiculous? This was the main idea of the thread.

I remember that Plotholio posted a perfectly good reason (as far as this thread's concerned) about starting a war. I paraphrase him:

King: "I think its about time we wage war on those scumbags over the border!"
Servant: "Begging your pardon, my lord, but why?"
King: "Why, he says? Well, we haven't done so for eight years, now have we?"

Being at the top of hierarchy must be fun...

 

[rhd]

I struggled with this too, I wanted conflict in my story and there seemed no dearth of silly reasons to prod another country into war. I settled for land and things and 'gimme', and inspired by colonialism also settled for You can rule but I own you and I get so much percentage of your things, I will civilize you, you barbarian (on both sides) and plenty of lost characters with identity crisis to add to the drama. Or perhaps, the good old plot of-- they've been fighting forever but they don't remember why or who threw the first stone. Ah, history. It can cough up some weird stuff.

 

[Sia]

Is Cracked's The 5 Most Retarded Wars Ever Fought any use to you?

People have gone to war over a stool, flagstaffs, by accident! (alcohol was involved but still!), a pig (the actual animal you get pork from, not golden) and someone's ear. It's more complicated than that but humans are still pretty stupid about that kind of thing.

 

[ecdavis]

The worst reason to start a war is 'to preserve peace'. The logic goes something like this:
Our country is peaceful and happy, but our neighbor is growing more and more powerful and is building up his military.
This country will one day endanger us, so we need to neutralize the potential threat.
So let's strike them first, wipe them out, (not to mention loot their land and take possession of it) then we can return to being a peaceful people.

Some examples from history include the ancient Egyptians who would often invade a neighboring land that they feared would pose a threat, slaughter a bunch of people, put up a big slab of rock telling the beaten people that they had lost and who had whipped them, then return back to Egypt with plunder, but without leaving as much as a garrison of soldiers in the conquered land. Of course they had to repeat the same war over and over again, as soon as the other nation regained their strength and found the courage to stop paying yearly tithes to Pharaoh.

Another example of War to preserve peace is many of the tribes of American Indians. Especially the Eastern Woodlands tribes, who would often go to war against a neighboring tribe just because they feared that the tribe was too prosperous and would one day attack them. They would invade the tribal territory, kill a bunch of the men, sometimes take their women and children back to their tribe and then just hope that peace would return, though they knew that usually it just led to years of ambushes and raids.