Side One, Ep.1 "Holey Ship!"

[Reaver]

I bow humbly to the Captain. "I will of course support whatever decision you make. If you truly want my opinion, I say we wait and board the ship. It would be wrong to leave it and whatever remains of its abysmal crew behind to terrorize anyone else."

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

The Cap'n replies, "I'm not surprised by your answer, Reaver. I just need to make sure that you and others're willing to take the risk. You're certainly able—all of you." Cap'n Bob looks around the room. "What about the rest of you, then?"

Before anyone can answer, the Guy in Gold Boots alley-oops through the hole in the wall. "I'm in!"

Sister Annie and the man she healed follow him in. Annie says, "No, you're not! You're very badly wounded and you need to rest!"

"Nonsense! I'm the champ who needs no introduction 'cept the long-winded kind from a ring announcer. But I never refuse a pretty lady, so if you say stay aboard Sister, I'll do so. But I'd have to kick my own ass with these gold boots if I didn't give these noobs their fair share!"

Beatrice tugs Diana's hem. "Did he just invent a word?"

"It means, 'new blood,' kid. Your mom and my chef and Mr. Magic didn't stick around to search bodies. These frogs stuffed their puffy pants with enough gold to make me a new pair of boots! Only… it ain't mine to keep. And, uh… I guess there's more of you than I remembered. I blame the blow to the head I took from that frog. So… I gotta split this how many ways now? Carry the… uh… aw, hell. I'll round in your favor to twenty jacks. Or if you'd like to invest your share and a little extra, I can teach you how to Kick Ass in Gold Boots."

Sister Annie crosses her arms, muttering, "I'm sure anyone interested in a lesson would spend their coins on a real technique."

The other man turns to Vincent. "I'm no fighter. More of a showman, like you."

Cap'n Bob glares at the man.

"Well… my point is that I found a letter on the frog that impaled me."

 

[Ireth]

Vincent

I look at the man who addresses me directly, tilting my head. "A letter? Have you read it yet? Was it addressed to anyone?" I don't want to make assumptions, but why would he look at me rather than anyone else?

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

"Well… the frogs swam here. So the letter's wet. I though maybe, after seeing you on stage, maybe you have the skills to…"

He hands Vincent the letter.

 

[Ireth]

Vincent

I take the letter, frowning as I try to decipher the smudged ink. I can't make out who it's addressed to... I wonder if it's safe to read it aloud. I look back up at the man with a nod. "Thank you. I'll see what I can make of it."

Looking closer at the letter, I can discern quite a bit. A chill runs down my back.

Diana

I look at the letter over Vincent's shoulder, my eyebrows lifting as I decipher more and more. Who on earth could this be from? And who is it for?

 

[Ireth]

Vincent

I take a deep breath, and decide reading the letter aloud might not be such a bad idea after all.

"Alright. I can't make out the recipient, but... The... Jackal, I think... is on the way. Kill... must be him if you find the opportunity. But the Maiden is the real target."

More chills run through me. I don't dare look up. All I can think of is Beatrice; my left hand, not holding the letter, immediately moves to clasp one of hers. I swallow and read on.

"Don't just sink the ship and assume she's dead. I need to see her... think that says head.

"You know who... next few words are washed out, working for, and you know it's... washed out again... you're killing.

"Don't show your... can't make that out... if you fail.

"Signed, Lieutenant... someone."

 

[Reaver]

After hearing the young sorcerer's words, I turn to Pale Jackal. "If the others decide to continue on, I say we take a skiff and board that wretched pirate ship and relieve its master of his head. What say you friend?"

I don't bother to ask Shan Mai. I already know that he is cut from the same cloth as my sallow-complected friend and I. I wouldn't think any less of the brave people who fought so nobly against the hell-spawned frog beasts if they decide to sail on.

Strong of heart and will as she may be, it's clear that the battle has taken an emotional toll on the lass called Beatrice.

Even after everything that's transpired, her empathic powers continue to radiate forth like a tidal wave. I'm overwhelmed by her grief for the dead and wounded.

I swallow hard, fighting back tears that I do not wish to shed.

 

[Ireth]

Vincent

I nod, resisting the urge to crumple the letter in my fist. It may come in useful later, if someone can decipher the names at the top and bottom. "I second the idea. Whoever this Hyena is, if he or she's plotting murder, we can't let them succeed at it."

I look at the letter again, and my eyes are drawn to the word Maiden. It's capitalized -- a title. I let out my breath, realizing my first thoughts may have been wrong. Beatrice might not be their target after all... oh, dear Voice. It might be the Shield Maiden standing at my side, who wears my wedding ring upon her hand.

Diana

I look at the letter, my fists clenching at the word Maiden. I know what it must mean, and by the look on Vincent's face, he's figured it out as well. Who else could it be? Is there another Shield Maiden aboard this ship?

 

[Philip Overby]

I smile at Reaver. "Yes. A head would go nicely in my collection of heads. Any chance to make myself a wee bit richer. Let's board a tiny boat and see what we can see."

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

Vincent reads the letter, and despite the water damage, he is able to make out most of the words. As he concentrates, he finds he is able to see the words in his mind's eye. He waits for a lull in the many conversations, then re-reads the letter, this time in its entirety.

Spoiler: what Ireth saw via PM before rolling an 18

What Vincent read aloud is what Ireth actually made of this before rolling the die. She rolled an 18. Between her effort and her very good roll, she earned the entire letter.

 

[Philip Overby]

"Jackal?" I peer over Vincent's shoulder to get a better look at the letter. "They must be talking about me. Unless there is some other Jackal on this ship. My grandmother did have sixteen children after all."

I step away from Vincent, peering at my feet. "I must strengthen my whole body to avoid this threat. My fists are already strong. My head, solid like a block of old cheese. I need to be able to boot a pirate's head as a wild giraffe would do. Straight-legged field goal punting."

I pat Mr. Gold Boots on his shoulder. "Could you mayhaps teach me your technique that will allow me to encapsulate my own foot in a golden sheen of wondrous ass-booting? I shall give you exactly 200 dollars. I know your price is more than that, but I saved this ship, so you'll offer me a discount, no?"

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

"No."

The Guy in Gold Boots looks around the room.

"But I like your style, so I gots a deal for you, yo! You show me a corpse that's all you, and my sponsorship begins pronto. That's right! The Golden Boots Champ's gonna sponsor you, 'cause that's what Kickin' Ass with Golden Boots is all about. All about the jacks, yo!"

 

[Philip Overby]

I point to a random frogman. "That one. I killed that one. Now teach me that technique. I got some asses to kick in approximately five minutes."

I look around at everyone. "OK, I'll cut you a deal. 200 jacks and I'll bring you something shiny back from the Hyena. Preferably something without his stench on it."

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

The Guy frowns, but Beatrice steps up and points to the frogs in the window.

"He is not a braggart, Mister Boots. He knocked two of those frogs out the window in a flurry of punches. I saw him."

Ender says, "You did? I couldn't see anything with all those firewo…rryee explosions." His eyes shift from Cap'n to Vincent. "From the enemy cannon. But yeah, Pink-Hair was the only one near those frogs after the smoke cleared."

Guy finally says to PJ, accepting the $200, "Sorry, bro. We got a strict no-discount policy. It's the only way I could get my business partner Sister Annie to open up the Sidekicks' Special Moves Shop with me." He puts one arm around the nun. "It's like we're married."

"No it's not," she says as she ducks his arm.

"And that's why I still get to date the twins." He turns to Shan Mai. "You saw me at that table with the twins, yo. Ain't that right?" Turning to PJ, he goes on, "So I'm gonna teach you. You just keep doin' whatchu doin'. And I'm gonna sponsor you. So you paid me two hundred of the two-thirteen. And I owe you forty for the single-handed monster kills. So if I give you seventeen—"

"Twenty-seven," Annie tells him.

"—right." He gives PJ $27. "We's even, bro. Go kick ass. In regular boots. When you earn twenty jacks, one of my peeps will deliver your gold boots. But you can earn a frog helm like I gots, if you earn… ten jacks."


((PJ spent $173 for Kickin' Ass with Golden Boots, though the Champ likes to think of it as paying the full $213 and getting $40 from the sponsorship.))

 

[Reaver]

While Pale Jackal and Gold Boots were haggling over money, I went outside and had two deckhands assist me with lowering one of the Oyster's rather large skiffs (complete with three sturdy oars) into the eerily still water. After descending a rope ladder into the boat, I sat down, closed my eyes and began to meditate.

I tried to clear my mind of all thought but my mind suddenly filled with memories of Roku Roku, red-maned ligers, lava daemons, dragons, banshees, dancing bears, imps, succubae, squirrels...A chill ran down my spine at the thought of those wretched squirrels...And now these hell-spawned frog beasts.

If I couldn't clear my mind of thoughts then I was determined to think of good things. Princess Rose...Hanako, Bouldergut, his wife Jade, the lovely Hanna... Miss Acornhat...Master Rubi...Miranda... Sage Aeron Greymoore...Sigrelyn and Heverik...

Even Manimus.

The thought of Manimus made me laugh. I wonder whatever happened to that wondrous dolt.

 

[Ireth]

Vincent

I stay quiet as the Pale Jackal and the gold-booted gentleman discuss sponsorship, knowing better than to point out that most of the red-eyed frogs fell to my magic. I fold the letter and tuck it into my coat pocket, then look to Diana. "No matter what happens, I'll guard you with my life."

Diana

I read his lips and smile, letting him read my foremost thoughts. Just guard my back. I'll guard yours, and we'll be fine. I turn to Beatrice, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. You too, dear.

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

Beatrice looks at the couple. "I don't know why this Grey guy would target Diana, or me, or anyone who could be referred to as a maiden." She crosses her arms. "There was a time before my birth when men considered it cowardly to strike a lady—even those who would do that wouldn't put it in writing." She looks around, then at Diana and Annie. "Isn't that why the first shield maidens and nuns got together and learned all those secrets?"

She approaches Annie. "Teach me your secret move."

She hands a purse to Sister Annie. The nun looks inside, then nods. She gives back the purse without having reached inside. Sister Annie approaches Diana. She uses sign language to communicate.

 

[Ireth]

Diana

I can't help but smile as sister Annie signs to me -- I haven't met many aside from my family who know the language. I nod at her words, knowing she has a good point. It wouldn't be wise to send such a young girl into that fight, even with protectors such as me. Annie can keep her safe here, and teach her some means of defense. If I survive this, perhaps I can teach her a thing or two, too. I give Sister Annie a bow, and sign in answer.

As you wish. May you be protected even as you protect others.

 

[Reaver]

My conversation with the lovely mermaid tailor Daphne was very pleasant and certainly made the time I spent waiting for Pale Jackal and anyone else who cares to join us--on our trip to the still smoldering pirate ship to relieve it of her commander go by quickly.

 

[Ireth]

Vincent

I gladly accompany those who seek to fight the pirates. With Diana at my side, I take an oar and do my best to aid our progress. I know we need stealth and secrecy, but I can't help but sing under my breath as we row. If nothing else, it will help me keep rhythm.

"Pull boys, row boys,
Stroke by stroke and stroke again.
Heave boys, ho boys,
Are ye mice or are ye men?

Fear no sword nor cannon-blast,
Strike by strike and strike again.
Stand and fight until the last,
Are we mice or are we men?"

Diana

I sit beside Vincent, looking straight ahead as I row. I hope we reach the ship soon, and with the element of surprise. Will the Hyena expect his targets to come right at him?

I smile at the strength in my rowing. Should be a while before my arms get tired -- good thing, if I hope to join in battle again tonight.