First Line of a New Book

[Phin Scardaw]

a) Astor finished singing, and began dying.

b) As the Song ended, Astor began to die.

c) Astor came to the end of the Song, and began to die.

d) As he finished singing, Astor began dying.

Opinions? Advice? Critique?

 

[Xanados]

It's honestly a little hard to say because we don't have any further information. It all sounds a bit abstract. B is definitely the worst option there. I'd go for A.

 

[TWErvin2]

Given those options, A would be my choice. Of course, it depends on what follows.

I'm not much on being 'hooked' by a first line. When I pick a novel, I scan the first few pages, after reading the back cover. Then I skip to the middle somewhere and read a bit.

 

[Penpilot]

Of those choices I'd choose A too.

 

[Devor]

a) Astor finished singing, and began dying.

b) As the Song ended, Astor began to die.

c) Astor came to the end of the Song, and began to die.

d) As he finished singing, Astor began dying.

Opinions? Advice? Critique?

If there's a "he" who's singing who's a main character, then I think it's a good idea to use "he" in the sentence. It gives a fuller experience.

I would use:

It was when he finished singing that Astor began to die.

Whatever you do, get rid of the comma.

 

[Rikilamaro]

Out of those choices A is the best. The others just don't flow. But I think it could be better without the comma also. I might like to know what he is dying from? Is he lying in bed and this is his last breath, or is he infected with poison that is exacerbated by his strenuous use of his diaphragm? I'm sure you answer these questions later on, but know this information could help formulating the first sentence.

 

[Caged Maiden]

I like A

That being said, unless you are going for a comedic scene, any of these would be inappropriate, because people don't talk like that, and if death is a weighty subject in your book (as it is in most) you don't want to make a joke of it. I have a funny scene where I hang someone..... but I don't make the hanging of another man funny, just the thoughts of my MC as he's led to the gallows and subsequently escapes.

If you choose something silly or funny for the first line, it's going to set the tone, and I like that tone, don't get me wrong. It could be a hilarious opening scene. But, if you set a funny tone and then want us to weep for the tragic battle, disease, whatever, that is killing people, then it is incongruous and would red better if you did without the funny opening line.

 

[Benjamin Clayborne]

I'd choose A, of those four. I also wouldn't worry too much about whether your first sentence hooks people; I don't believe there's any substantial number of people who will put a book down after the first sentence (unless the first sentence is horrifyingly stupid, which your examples are not).

 

[Queshire]

A here too, it's a good hook, and makes me want to learn more. I don't see it as a specifically funny sentence, it seems more melencholy to me. Like someone heroically going to his death.

 

[The Din]

Sounds a little abstract for me. 'Began dying' implies that there is a specific point in time where the fellow went from being fine to being well on the way. Depending on context this might be what you're after, yet still I'd prefer to see it more personal. ie: Astor let the last note linger as he felt life begin to slip from his wasted body.

 

[bbeams32]

I'd have to go for A as well. The first line of a book may be your only chance to draw in the reader, and this line would have done that for me at least.

 

[Phin Scardaw]

Thanks everyone for confirming what I suspected: that A was the right choice to with. Although, I like the comma.

Here's what I wrote last night, to give you a better idea of what's going on:

Astor finished singing, and began dying.

He acted quickly; he only had a few moments, and none to spare. Kneeling by the camp fire, he cast into it the dust of dried amphor seeds he'd ground in the mortar-bowl. They put up a pale smoke of purple, spiced and aromatic. He inhaled and coughed. The air was still in the Kenengroth, and some stars could be seen through the dense canopy. Dlim, heart of the sacred star-figure, shined down upon his head where some rays were caught in the hoeple-stone cast in a silver band about his crown.

The Song he'd sung was Anyx, and it was beginning to take swift effect. Visions were already swimming in his head, and he caught glimpses of faces from the past, old friends and Elfs lost, who had come back into the world to fight once more. It was hard to focus - but the curse the Song had activated needed his attention.

Astor had prepared everything in advance: all the ingredients were measured out, and the little kettle-pot over the fire was boiling. He threw in the stallack-root, then added bitumen from the spruces of Nemn.

The curse proved much more potent than he'd anticipated. He could feel it, the same way he could feel the mana of the great Songs moving within him - only this was an undoing, not a doing. What Black Song had called it into being, Astor could only guess; but it could be that his gamble in triggering the curse might also lead him to the cure.

The Song he sang which was meant to kill him might also be the one to save him.

It was difficult now to think clearly; the visions were getting stronger and he eyed the sword Mnelentyr. Compounded with the curse, the Song's effects were overwhelming him. He had precious little time. His breathing was now laboured, and he could feel the weave of his being under attack.

Focus, he told himself, and remember your training.

In his mind he saw Loronorth emerge from a hole in a ground blasted and grim. Behind him stood the Membrane, a shimmering barrier of Sylph-light. Loro was grinning and wielding some impossible blade, a thing carved from dire Songs and forged of Irrow-ores. The sight of his rival gave Astor the focus he needed.

Into the boiling pot he cast the final ingredients: doroplasm, lopnary shoots, star thistle. Upon the water, a little slick of oil formed. He quickly bent over the pot and breathed in the steam, feeling relief. After this, the most difficult part of all: he took the Mystranam from its enchanted case and drove its needle into his own heart.

Whaddya'll think?

 

[Ireth]

That is really cool! I especially like the dual nature of the Song, both to kill him and to save him. I'm intrigued to read more when you've written it!

 

[Benjamin Clayborne]

Interesting intro. The only particular observation I have is that you introduce way too many new terms and foreign concepts in those first ten paragraphs. The second paragraph alone introduces amphor seeds, the Kenengroth, Dlim, and the terms "star-figure" and "hoeple-stone." I consider myself a pretty sharp guy (quiet, Devor) and I was pretty lost already. Then we get Anyx, Elfs, stallack-root, Nemn, mana, Black Songs, Mnelentyr, a curse, Loronorth, the Membrane, Sylph-light, Irrow-ores, doroplasm, lopnary shoots, star thistle, and something called a Mystranam.

Not that someone couldn't understand it, but it's a lot to take in all at once; the important thing is Astor's attempt to not die, and it's buried amongst all the miscellaneous stuff. I'm not really even sure where he is.

 

[Phin Scardaw]

Interesting intro. The only particular observation I have is that you introduce way too many new terms and foreign concepts in those first ten paragraphs. The second paragraph alone introduces amphor seeds, the Kenengroth, Dlim, and the terms "star-figure" and "hoeple-stone." I consider myself a pretty sharp guy (quiet, Devor) and I was pretty lost already. Then we get Anyx, Elfs, stallack-root, Nemn, mana, Black Songs, Mnelentyr, a curse, Loronorth, the Membrane, Sylph-light, Irrow-ores, doroplasm, lopnary shoots, star thistle, and something called a Mystranam.

Not that someone couldn't understand it, but it's a lot to take in all at once; the important thing is Astor's attempt to not die, and it's buried amongst all the miscellaneous stuff. I'm not really even sure where he is.

YES! I agree entirely, but I don't know if I'll change this or not. What I'll probably do is just add more material to space out the fantasy references and beef up the writing a little. Part of me really does like this type of super-dense writing though.

Most of these terms don't really need to be mulled over much: the ingredients aren't important to identify, and others are easy enough to puzzle out. Irrow-ores are ores mined in Irrow; spruce trees from Nemn should be no trouble either. The book does contain maps, so place names will be easier to grasp, such as the Kenengroth.

A curse and a song are easy to figure out, and some of the terms are just names: Anyx is the name of the Song, and Dlin is the name of a star in a constellation, which I think "star-figure" represents fairly.

I think that most readers would understand the major plot point here and wouldn't get caught up on references to amphor seeds. We need only know that Astor knows their properties and how to use them to save his life.

The hoeple-stone will be mentioned again in the following paragraphs, as will Mnelentyr, Loronorth, and the Membrane.

I think that leaving some pieces unturned is okay. The readers don't need to know what the Mystranam is at this point, nor much about the Kenengroth apart from what this passage will offer. I'll finish the scene tonight hopefully, and I invite further comments once I post it.

But I was concerned about the many weird terms, and I'm glad you brought it up! Thanks!

 

[BWFoster78]

Thanks everyone for confirming what I suspected: that A was the right choice to with. Although, I like the comma.

Here's what I wrote last night, to give you a better idea of what's going on:

Astor finished singing, and began dying.

No offense, but you don't put a comma because you like it. You use a comma because the rules of grammar say that you should.

You use a comma when you have two independent clauses separated by a conjunction. Your sentence does not have two independent clauses, and you do not need the comma. You need to take it out or make the second part an independent clause.

 

[Elder the Dwarf]

No offense, but you don't put a comma because you like it. You use a comma because the rules of grammar say that you should.

You use a comma when you have two independent clauses separated by a conjunction. Your sentence does not have two independent clauses, and you do not need the comma. You need to take it out or make the second part an independent clause.

That isn't entirely true. Commas can be used to join a dependent clause to an independent clause, forming a compound sentence. They can also be used to separate identifiers ( Jeremiah, the blacksmith, went to work.) or interjections. I'm sure Ravanna could give you a couple more, but I'm not a grammarian. ( Yeah, there is probably a more professional term for identifier, but I don't know it.)

 

[Phin Scardaw]

How did this turn into a grammar lesson?

Thanks for the tips, but for now the comma stays. It feels right, and if it does need to be removed then my editor can pluck it out.

I'd much rather discuss the actual writing.

I posted the rest of the passage in the Showcase section. Let's see if I can get a link here:

http://mythicscribes.com/forums/showcase/2863-chapter-1-membrane.html

 

[BWFoster78]

That isn't entirely true. Commas can be used to join a dependent clause to an independent clause, forming a compound sentence. They can also be used to separate identifiers ( Jeremiah, the blacksmith, went to work.) or interjections. I'm sure Ravanna could give you a couple more, but I'm not a grammarian. ( Yeah, there is probably a more professional term for identifier, but I don't know it.)

I do not dispute that there are many other uses for commas, but what I stand is entirely true.

If you separate two clauses with a conjunction, you only use a comma if both clauses are independent.

Correct - This clause is independent, and this clause is independent.
Correct - This clause is independent but not this one.
Incorrect - This clause is independent, but not this one.

I have heard that some people say that the comma isn't needed nowadays if the two clauses are both simple. No one says that it's okay.

 

[BWFoster78]

How did this turn into a grammar lesson?

Thanks for the tips, but for now the comma stays. It feels right, and if it does need to be removed then my editor can pluck it out.

I'd much rather discuss the actual writing.

I posted the rest of the passage in the Showcase section. Let's see if I can get a link here:

http://mythicscribes.com/forums/showcase/2863-chapter-1-membrane.html

It is absolutely essential that you not throw up barriers between you and the reader. Knowing proper grammar is one way to prevent distracting the reader. Grammar, to me, is "actual writing."