So you want to write a really bad fantasy novel, eh?
You’ve come to the right place. After years of practice, I’ve mastered five ancient techniques for writing shitty fantasy. These methods were pioneered by the elves of the Ethereal Empire during the reign of Xerxian Rhafstorr the Sword-Breaker (in the Twelfth Age), so you know they’re good.
Just read on, and you’ll be writing the Ishtar of fantasy novels in no time.